I have come down like a sack of shit this week. Late last week I returned from a 2 week trip where I stayed with my boyfriend back in my home town, where I held meetings with new clients and booked some big jobs for myself, where I went out and socialised frequently.. I know, *gasp*.. and I was on a high the whole time. I loved every bloody second of it. I returned to shoot a wedding, then I even went to a big birthday party the next day where I was practically one of the only people dancing ALL night… I mean… words can’t describe how out of my usual comfort zone I have been this month.
Now, that all sounds great right? Yeah it was, but now I’m 200 miles away from my boyfriend, I’m stuck indoors editing, I’m sat in bed eating chocolate (which I know will make me feel super ill) and I’m feeling that sicky horrible feeling because I have to go to my second job tomorrow and I haven’t been there in a month.
I feel like such a misery guts but the reason is very clear. I’ve been so social and active lately and I’m worried that just like with my second job, that the longer I go without “practice” the more nerve inducing it will be for me next time I have to be a social butterfly.
In my head, I’m thinking “what if I forget my employee login, what if I don’t know where all the stock is, what if I’ve forgotten everybodies names or how to count, how to speak, how to even walk”.
This is the how I cope on nights like tonight, the ones where I’m panicking because I’m not asleep yet, where I have chocolate smeared into my pyjama top and my head feels like a mash-up of heartache and dread — I give myself simple things to look forward to.
I look forward to the naughty take-away I get to have tomorrow night, the way my bedroom will be more “my space” when I decorate it on wednesday, how I get to go and visit my boyfriend again after I’ve finished editing a batch of wedding photographs at the end of the week.
Every crap thing I have to do, everything that makes me nervous in that gut wrenching pit of your stomach kind of way.. I find a reward at the end of it, however big or small.
I’m not quite sure if any of that really makes sense, it’s late and my contact lenses are practically dried up and stuck to my eyeballs so that’s my excuse! Hope you all had a great weekend and thank you for all the emails of support, and all the questions I’ve received so far — You guys are good eggs!
– Kel xx