I spent years lying because of social anxiety. Not in a malicious way or in a way to hurt and deceive people but because of the way that social anxiety had deceived me.
The truth is, social anxiety warps your perception of how people see you and how situations really are. It convinces you that every situation will have a terrible outcome. It convinces you that everyone sees you in the worst light.
At the very peak of it all, I was lying because of social anxiety on almost a daily basis.
The reason I lied because of anxiety wasn’t because it was one of my symptoms but because I wanted to hide my symptoms at any cost.
I also wanted to avoid all the situations that I thought would make my social anxiety worse and I wanted to protect myself from the shame and embarrassment that came with having a mental illness.
It’s been a fair few years now since I managed to overcome a great deal of my social anxiety, enough to live a comfortable life but I still have to stop myself from telling these lies from time to time.
Lies we tell because of social anxiety
I’m pretty sure every one of us with social anxiety tells one of these lies at some point, I think it’s just part and parcel of having an anxiety disorder.
Of course, lying isn’t the best way to deal with it because we’re not actually letting ourselves prove the anxiety wrong and it has the potential of hurting peoples feelings along the way.
BUT, when you’re struggling with a mental illness, which comes with it’s own set of challenges and it’s own stigma, it’s extremely hard to open up and be truthful about what we’re going through.
Here are some of the most common lies we tell because of social anxiety…
Pretending you’re fine
If “I’m fine” has been my response, the likelihood is, it’s a lie.
I wasn’t feeling fine, I was drowning in fear and low self-esteem. I desperately wanted to talk to someone about it, but I was too afraid to say something.
I still feel this way sometimes and I still lie about how I really feel. I think I’m scared of being a burden, and by lying I am trying to protect myself from being shut out and left behind, which ends up being exactly what I do to myself.
I used to also use this lie with my therapist because therapy was hard work. I tried not to face my fears by telling her that I was fine but of course that didn’t help me or my anxiety in the slightest.
Excuses not to go somewhere
One of the biggest lies we tell, are the lies about why we’re can’t turn up or why we don’t want to go somewhere.
We’d rather tell you that we have family visiting or we already have plans, instead of actually telling you we’ve had an anxiety attack.
I can’t count how many times I’ve made up stories about why I can’t make it out somewhere because there were too many times.
Trying to fit in
There are also the lies we tell so that we can fit in and feel accepted. For years in school I lied about my music taste because I was too afraid to be myself.
Or not wanting to actually reveal my true opinions on something I’m really passionate about because social anxiety makes me despise confrontation.
Masking your anxiety with a physical illness
Have you told people you have the flu, or a stomach bug or any physical illness just to avoid telling people you’re anxious? ‘Cause I sure have.
The misconceptions that come with having social anxiety often make it difficult to talk about it, so instead we mask our anxiety with lies about having some form of physical ailment.
Why lying makes social anxiety worse
Just like using safety behaviours, lying because of social anxiety leaves us in a vicious cycle of trying to protect ourselves but continuing the negative thought patterns.
Firstly, we think by lying or omitting the truth that we’re actually helping ourselves and protecting ourselves from the situation that we believe is harmful (being judged, being subjected to a situation we’re anxious of or having to open up to someone).
Secondly, we tell the lie and it gets easier for a bit.
Thirdly, we encounter the same situation again but because we didn’t prove to ourselves the last time, that we would be okay if we were honest, we now feel we have to lie again.
The cycle keeps turning and we don’t show ourselves that our anxiety is wrong. We don’t show ourselves that things aren’t always as bad as we think they’re going to be if people know the truth about us.
Of course you don’t need to tell everyone you have a social anxiety disorder and tell every person intimate details about your life. But I do think that if you tell your friends or family that you are either a) feeling quite anxious b) afraid of going to that place/event because of your anxiety or c) about your real interests rather than the interests you think you should have then you’ll open yourself up to having an actual support system.
And if they don’t support you, or they do judge you, then they are the ones with the problem. Not you.
If you need help being honest and want to open up more about your anxiety. Here are some resources:
The Anxiety Lounge – a friendly closed Facebook group to discuss anxiety.
How to explain social anxiety to someone that doesn’t have it. – an in depth post that will help you explain your social anxiety.
You don’t need to be everybody’s cup of tea. – A reminder of why it’s okay if people don’t like you.
Pin for later:
Anxiety is a big problem to overcome, as it’s a natural process. If you are thinking about your exam and that stress level keeps your focus on your work is positive, but when you overthink, then it is a problem that needs to be managed for a healthy life. Your tips are valuable to reduce anxiety. Some people got swear attacks and its better to consult psychologist and doctor advice to keep your thoughts stable.
Regards,
I so relate to all of this! Thanks so much for sharing and highlighting that although lying is a natural response to our anxiety, it is not a healthy response.
I think a good book against anxiety and this one here https://bit.ly/2QUktYo has helped me a lot to heal from fear and anxiety try it
Hey
Stumbled across this whilst looking for anxious bloggers to connect to. Really like this, it’s absolutely true. For me, I could easily go down a shame well when it came to social anxiety and the lies. Yes I felt as though it kept me safe but the guilt of not being honest could almost be as bad as the lying itself.
A very helpful thing for people to know about us anxiety sufferers, we don’t lie out of malice, we lie out of fear an self-preservation.
Hello, so glad I found this blog.
All the points are highly relatable. I have used almost all of these lies and excuses to eliminate myself from unwanted situations. Thanks for jotting it down so well. It is very well written and I really appreciate the way you have presented the anxiety issues the people with high anxiety-like me faces. Looking forward to several other blogs.
Hi there, thanks for this. I am also looking for people like myself to relate to so that I can feel some kind of normal.
Lying about how I feel, or just plain hiding it is very common for me, for the same reasons but also because the people around me don’t understand anxiety, especially social anxiety. I can be perfectly confident when at the shops or the doctors, I can easily make conversation with a stranger cause they don’t know who I am and therefore have no expectations of how I should act. But when it comes to my friends and my family, I hide how I feel because to them, I’m just over reacting, I’m just being full of it, I’m just acting selfish. They can’t possibly understand how it can be stressful to see the ones you love. They don’t understand that their expectations of me and how I should be is the biggest source of anxiety for me. They also don’t understand that after an hour or two of socializing, I’m done – and my mood just drops within a matter of minutes. They get confused and ask me why I stress about everything. This is why I lie – because anxiety isn’t a serious issue to so many people out there, they shrug it off and I don’t feel like they could possibly understand how I feel.
This is so true! I’ve been beating myself up after telling a lie yesterday to get out of a function. My co-attendees then sent messages of sympathy and support, which made me feel so much worse about lying! There’s also the dread that comes with knowing there are only so many times I can get away with it before people begin thinking that I don’t value them (which isn’t true at all).
The idea that I can sometimes just say, “I’m just a bit anxious about this…” and let it stand, is awesome, and maybe I’ll even feel better after I say it.
Thank you for writing so openly about this – I’ve been devouring your blog posts! Many of us who have social anxiety suffer in silence and it’s good to know we’re not alone.
Hello, Miss Kel!
As someone who is constantly painted as “close to perfect,” I feel the need to fulfill those expectations projected onto me. I understand what it’s like to lie to yourself and attempt to gaslight your brain into thinking you’re completely fine when you’re not. There are those out there who fail to grasp that high-functioning people can get anxious too. Because of the negative stigma that shrouds anxiety, I fear that I’ll lose everything I worked so hard to achieve. Nice to know I’m not alone. Hoping for the best for everyone who visited the blog. Thank you for the encouraging words. Take care!
Best regards, Rein
Hello Kelly! I love how you wrote this piece so transparently and how you chose to raise awareness and write about what may be a sensitive topic to some. I believe there are more reasons as to why people with social anxiety lie, but I do agree that these are some of the very common reasons as to why they do. I appreciate how you included ways to inform their peers to help them have a support group, how you listed down resources for help, and I’m sure many people appreciate this too. I love this piece and I hope to see more of your benevolent work soon. <3 heeseung's lover
This is so relatable! I mean, who doesn’t lie (just a little bit) to get yourself out of an awkward situation. There are countless moments where declined an invite and lied that I was busy just because I’d much rather stay at home.