My head feels completely empty today, my body feels numb and I just want to sleep and hibernate. I’m no longer sure if that’s because of the Endometriosis/Chronic Fatigue or whether my mind is slowly crumbling back into depression. Maybe it’s both but one thing I do know for certain is that I feel profound guilt because of my chronic illness and my crappy mental health.
I feel guilty because I’m working in bed today and not getting much done.
I feel guilty because I’m sometimes not able to contribute to the housework, cooking, shopping etc.
I feel guilty because being poorly all the damn time makes me feel like I’m a burden.
I feel guilty because I’m not as ‘well’ as I think people are expecting me to be right now, even though they may not be expecting anything of me at all.
I feel guilty because I get so anxious about leaving the house and often don’t even try anymore.
I feel guilty because my chronic illness has overtaken my ability to enjoy a lot of the things I used to enjoy.
I feel guilty because I’m so fucking tired all of the time.
I feel guilty because I have a list of things I want to do and I can hear the items on the list calling my name and telling me that I’m useless.
I have to remind myself daily, that this is not something I am choosing. I don’t want to be incapable. I don’t want to feel trapped in a body that doesn’t work the way it used to. I don’t want to be in pain 80% of the time and I certainly don’t want to be riddled with crippling anxiety. I have to remind myself that it’s not my fault.
Just like it’s not your fault that you have an illness, be it mental or physical. It’s not your fault so you are not guilty.
Sometimes it’s just absolutely necessary to take some time for self-care. Sleep, get rested, watch some shit TV with some shit-but-good food, switch off from social media and take care of number one!