The last few months have been hard, REALLY hard. A lot of things came up in my life that I wasn’t aware of how to handle, a lot of changes have been made and to cut a long story short I put a lot of burden on my relationship and fell into a bit of a black hole in the process.
I didn’t grasp what damage I was doing before but now I have a better understanding.
The less confident of a person you are the more insecurities you have and you often find yourself searching for reassurance and validation. At first you see no problem with this because you can’t imagine being in the other persons shoes, and when you try you just lie to yourself and tell yourself that you would never not give that person the reassurance that they need.
What you don’t recognise is that not only is throwing all of your insecurities at a person who loves you and shows that through their actions is hurtful and exhausting for them, but if they do give you reassurance it is harmful to you and your recovery.
It’s as if I saw a point in our future and wanted it so badly that I couldn’t see a way to reach it.
Imagine, that your goal or dream is on the peak of a huge mountain. You walk up to the front of the mountain and the expanse of the rock face is so big and excessively steep. You try and get up the mountain a little bit but keep falling down, seeing everyone else with their climbing equipment as they climb the mountain with ease and experience with a smile on their face. There you are left at the bottom, with no equipment and no climbing experience and this frightens you to death and leaves you with pure self doubt over climbing the mountain. You feel completely inferior to everyone else.
What you didn’t do however, was take big a step back, breathe and have a good think about what you could logically do to get to the peak. Now that you’ve done that, it’s suddenly dawned on you, that there’s another route, a much easier step by step trail that will help you get up the mountain.
It’s on the other side, you were too busy facing the mountain head on and all at once to realise this.
Now, I’m not saying that the alternative trail isn’t going to be a tough one, but it IS manageable.
It’s even better in fact, than being able to just climb straight to the top because if you climbed straight to the top, you’d be missing out on all the great views and scenery along the way.
After some realisation and a lot of thought, it’s now time for me to wonder the trail, step by step. By walking up the steep parts bit by bit so that it gets easier in time, and all the while taking a good look around and appreciating and soaking in all the beauty around me along the way.
I’m ready to climb the mountain the right way, no more pressure, no more drama, no more self doubt. Only commitment, determination and taking the right small steps to get there.
This time it will be different.