My 14 year old self

There was a time when I wouldn’t see daylight for weeks, sometimes months. I would sit in my bedroom with the curtains closed listening to my CD’s and covering my walls with posters of the faces I admired, watching ‘Friends’ for the millionth time and writing in my journal which was typically filled with heartbreaking things. I slept on a mattress in my cupboard so I would have room for the drums which I eventually lost the motivation to play, and on the nights I couldn’t sleep from insomnia I would sit on my windowsill and look at the empty bridge and the distant planes in the polluted night sky.

It was a time of confusion and severe anxiety. The very thought of living another day, of waking up or enduring another sleepless night, of watching another minute of TV, hurt so much. Sometimes I felt like the world was against me, I was angry and broken.

10 years later, after many breakdowns, self inflicted injuries, many hours spent in therapy and I’m a completely different person. Still with anxiety, but a clear understanding of it.  Still slightly cracked but piecing myself together at a good pace.

Life doesn’t hurt anymore. It’s beautiful in all of it’s joy and imperfections. I feel strong. The confidence I do have is not fake, it’s 100% me.

I feel for the 14 year old girl out there, who still has the painful and frustrating journey ahead of them to be the person they wish to be. Who puts more burden on her shoulders than she should have to bare. Who longs for something to change. Who looks out into the night sky and feels all the loneliness and desperation I once felt.

It can get better, and someday, maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but someday you will embrace life with everything you have. You will be your own hero and change your life for the good. You will live with these memories that shape you into being a fuller more content person. You deserve the life that you want.