You will definitely not be anxious or depressed after all these awesome tips. I mean, everyone’s doin’ em so they must work!
1. Avoid eye contact at all times.
Eye contact just freaks people out, so don’t do that shit. It would just look so much better if you stared at the floor or the ceiling during every conversation – that way people will know you’re not a sexual predator and their eyeballs won’t feel violated.
2. Prepare for all social situations at least 3 or 4 weeks in advance.
Because everything will go exactly how you imagine it, everyone will say exactly what you think they’re going to say and nobody ever has fun doing anything spontaneous anyway.
3. Always pretend to text people when out in public alone.
This makes you look busy and super popular and cool. If they see you just sitting and enjoying a coffee, they’ll obviously think “what a loser! who sits and enjoys coffee? that is so weird”. As a bonus because you look so busy, nobody will talk to you and that’s awesome because conversations are for crazy people.
4. Share really dark, self indulgent Tumblr posts daily.
Everyone knows that the quickest way to claw yourself out of depression is to reblog the really dark, black and white gifs on tumblr where everyone’s really sad and depressed. It will help your depression because you can remind yourself and all your friends that depression exists and life is just a sack of shit.
5. Make sure you relive that slightly embarrassing moment over and over in your head until you’re a full on insomniac.
Sleep is for the weak. Staying up all night, tossing and turning, going over that time you said “you too” when someone at school wished you a happy birthday is for cool people like us! That person you said something really embarrassing to has probably forgotten because it’s just trivial nonsense but NOT YOU. You can never forget. And just like the memory super hero you are, you will surrender all sleep until that person is dead and there is no possibility of recollecting that moment ever again.
6. Wake up way after noon and stay in your pyjamas all day.
All successful people start their day at 1pm in their PJ’s watching re-runs of Gossip Girl.
7. Obsess over facebook pictures of your friends having fun without you.
HOW DARE THEY ANYWAY? I mean, they invited you a bunch of times but your cat got sick, and then you got a mysterious flu and then you had some really important work to do – but how DARE they have fun without you! You are so right to be upset. At least Ben and Jerry will never let you down! Real friends are terrible.
8. Never laugh at yourself when you do or say something stupid.
Nobody likes a joker. When you say something stupid, cry about it. People respect the shit out of that.
9. Do keep apologising to the people who bump into you when they don’t look where they’re going.
Everything is your fault. Even when it’s their fault. It’s your fault. Don’t ever forget that.
10. Just feel sorry for yourself all the time.
If you just cry about it all day long and blame the world, everything you want will fall in your lap and you’ll never have to do anything about it. YAY!
11. Just stay at home and avoid everything.. ever.
There’s nothing good out there anyway. Just clouds and funky smells.
See? I bet you feel better already!
But I’ve been doing most of these things already for so many years and it hasn’t worked. 🙁
This is most definitely a satirical post. Please only do the exact opposite of this post and you should get somewhere!