I haven’t been actively suicidal in 7 years but that doesn’t mean I don’t always still think about suicide.
Passive suicidal thoughts weave in and out of my brain on a consistent basis, when I’m feeling low, sick and even at my most stable and content of times.
They lurk in the shadows, waiting for me to let my guard down. A passing, lonely moment in which I think the world would be better off without me. A moment in which I feel insignificant and ugly and don’t deserve to be seen.
When things become overwhelming, I often think about suicide as an escape even though I can honestly say at that moment I don’t genuinely want to die. It’s just easier knowing that I could.
When I feel so consumed by the hatred I have towards my body, my face and even my personality, suicidal thoughts creep in and offer themselves to me as an option.
When my heart is broken or I feel trapped, suicidal thoughts are my safe space. The place in my mind where I can breathe for a minute.
When my body is in so much pain from Endometriosis that I feel the only way out of the torment is to die, my suicidal thoughts comfort me and give me solace.
I’ve imagined my death in a thousand ways. My suicidal ideation makes me fear it less.
Having passive suicidal thoughts doesn’t mean I want to die. I don’t. I just sometimes wish that I could.
I just sometimes have fleeting intrusive thoughts that make me question myself and my importance here in this world.
I have plenty of reasons to live and I will live because of them but just sometimes I get a very passing feeling that they don’t need me to. That I’m holding them back. That they’re better off without me.
Does this sound familiar to you?
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