I haven’t been actively suicidal in 7 years but that doesn’t mean I don’t always still think about suicide.
Passive suicidal thoughts weave in and out of my brain on a consistent basis, when I’m feeling low, sick and even at my most stable and content of times.
They lurk in the shadows, waiting for me to let my guard down. A passing, lonely moment in which I think the world would be better off without me. A moment in which I feel insignificant and ugly and don’t deserve to be seen.
When things become overwhelming, I often think about suicide as an escape even though I can honestly say at that moment I don’t genuinely want to die. It’s just easier knowing that I could.
When I feel so consumed by the hatred I have towards my body, my face and even my personality, suicidal thoughts creep in and offer themselves to me as an option.
When my heart is broken or I feel trapped, suicidal thoughts are my safe space. The place in my mind where I can breathe for a minute.
When my body is in so much pain from Endometriosis that I feel the only way out of the torment is to die, my suicidal thoughts comfort me and give me solace.
I’ve imagined my death in a thousand ways. My suicidal ideation makes me fear it less.
Having passive suicidal thoughts doesn’t mean I want to die. I don’t. I just sometimes wish that I could.
I just sometimes have fleeting intrusive thoughts that make me question myself and my importance here in this world.
I have plenty of reasons to live and I will live because of them but just sometimes I get a very passing feeling that they don’t need me to. That I’m holding them back. That they’re better off without me.
Does this sound familiar to you?
If you need support, please contact The Samaritans on
116-123
Related: 7 Things Not To Say To Someone Who Is Suicidal
That was amazing and very well written and explained ! On point.
I thought I was the only one who felt like this. It’s comforting knowing I’m not alone. I sometimes phrase it as “I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live”.
Hi I’m curious about what happens if you call The Samaritans and tell them if you’re actively suicidal. Will they call the police on you and get a wellness check done on you? (Some people may not want that if they don’t want to be involuntarily committed.) I was just wondering.
Anyways, great article and keep up the good work.
Hey,
I volunteered for Samaritans in the past, so my answer is based on what I learned at the time (a few years ago now?). They can’t track you’re location at all and can’t find anyone who says they are suicidal. If you say ‘I’m suicidal’ and hang up, there is nothing they can do unless you tell them exactly where you are. Also, the national Samaritans number can direct you to any of the Samaritans branches in the country. Your phone number is automatically made anonymous so that anyone can call and feel safe.
When I was doing my Samaritans training, we were told that if someone says they are actively suicidal, we need to remind them that we have no way of knowing where they are so if they want us to call for help, they must give us their phone number, address etc. This is important because sometimes people hang up and they think that the Samaritans can track down their location and tell the police. The Samaritans aren’t there to give you advice or tell you what to do, they are there to support and talk to you about how you’re feeling, without any judgement. Samaritans are ‘normal’ (if we’re going to use that word) people giving their time to be there for you, they aren’t bound by the same responsibilities as mental health professionals would i.e. a therapist would have to tell someone if you said you had plans to kill yourself.
If you did decide that you want the police or an ambulance to come to help, the Samaritans may encourage you to call them yourself (purely because it is easier in terms of getting someone to your aid, rather than someone who could be anywhere in the country trying to explain where you are). The volunteer would support you with this though.
I hope that this was helpful in some way that the Samaritans is a safe place to talk. Talking about thoughts of suicide can be really difficult, but they are more common than you may think. Sometimes you just need to talk with someone who isn’t going to judge you. You can always ask the listening volunteer about concerns you have about the call and they will happily talk to you about it. I hope that if you ever felt you couldn’t stay safe, that you could reach out somehow. Wishing you all the best going forward x
This is fab information Carly, thank you for sharing!
I think this is very helpful to share…. we are capable of observing our thoughts without reacting to them or acting on them. I’m sure a lot of people think that if they are having a thought… there must be some meaning behind it. That’s not always the case.
You are beautiful!
There are a lot of people going through the same as you.
On some communities in Reddit you can get a lot of support and understand.
Give them a try if you feel like you need someone to talk to.
We’re also here for you.
Chin up and know that you’re loved!
I’ve been on Reddit a few times, there are definitely some good subreddits for support. and Thank you 🙂
Wow, just wow. Thank you for writing this. You some how managed to capture a feeling that I thought couldn’t be explained. Thank you!
You’re so welcome xx
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing this. The way you explained it was exactly how I feel and I thought I was alone in those feelings.
You’re definitely not alone <3 x
Your comment about the hatred for your body, face and personality is so me. Have you been able to overcome that hatred? I want to-just can’t seem to do so. I don’t have suicidal thoughts-but the self hatred is so exhausting.
I can’t express how happy I am that I came across this post. This has been exactly what I have been feeling and I never knew how to put it in words and you just did. Thank you for sharing this, means so much <3