Some days my demons appear in the panic I get before stepping out to buy food, or the nervousness I feel when I’m bed the night before a social event. These are demons I have become familiar with over time. Ones that I have managed to restrain and keep under control.
The darkest of all my demons, Depression, is one that I have never been able to tame.
Waking up in the morning, thinking of all the things I could do that day – good, enjoyable things that I know make me happy – somehow doesn’t help me get out of bed. Most days it feels as though my body is anchored, or welded to the sheets. It’s not tiredness in the traditional sense, it’s more than that. It’s being drained and empty when I have plenty to look forward to.
It’s forgetting to eat and even when I do remember, too exhausted to chew, too sick to swallow my food. It’s crying in the shower with my head against the tiles. It’s not wanting to come home from work because I feel hollow and lacking purpose.
Everyday I try to shake this feeling. Sometimes I manage to eat properly. Some days I find the energy to leave the house unprompted. Sometimes I even feel happy without reason.
But depression, the darkness that hangs over me like a stormy cloud, that pushes my body down until it feels crumpled and broken.. it lingers, waiting for me to fall again.