Fears and insecurities can be perfectly normal in relationships but you know what isn’t normal? Constantly having nightmares that something is going to go wrong, constantly working yourself up in to an anxiety attack over a made-up scenario that may never even happen and making someone reassure you every minute of every day until you’re close to pushing them away and ruining the very thing you’re scared of losing. I know this first hand because I’ve been there.
I’ve played over situations in my head that might happen to me and then dwelt on them to a point that I felt sick and angry. It’s as if I’ve had this overly-protective mechanism that forces me to feel exactly as I would feel if the worst thing possible happened in the relationship, despite it not ever actually happening. Perhaps the anxiety stemmed from being in past relationships that did turn bad, my previous “I’m too anxious to stand up for myself, so walk all over me” personality made me a target for narcissists who did cheat, did humiliate me and did abuse me in a multitude of ways. When you go through that and you finally have something good, it does make it almost impossible to believe it’s genuineness.
Relationship anxiety can indeed stem from many sources, not just past experiences. It often comes from a mix of insecurities, fear of vulnerability, or even irrational worries. For instance, some people may even find themselves fretting over their partner’s safety, imagining worst-case scenarios like accidents. I’ve heard stories where a person feared their loved one might be in a car crash, which only added to their anxiety. If anything like that were to happen, it’s comforting to know that there are professionals, like a Detroit auto accident attorney, who can help guide families through such difficult times, offering peace of mind amidst uncertainty.
If the thoughts “they’ll find someone better than me” and “I’m not good enough for them” sound familiar to you, I might be able to help with that…
First of all, things you must absolutely refrain from if you’re going to improve your relationship anxiety:
- Always looking for evidence that something is going on behind your back.
- Testing your partners faithfulness/love/attraction towards you.
- Getting angry at your partner for something that hasn’t even happened.
- Treating your partner as if they’ve broken your trust when they haven’t.
These things only make the situation worse and will only end up pushing you and your partner further away from each other, which is the one thing you’re trying to prevent in the first place.
Here’s some things you can do to help alleviate your relationship anxiety:
Determine the route cause of the anxiety
What specific things are you anxious about? Are you worried your partner will cheat? Leave? Do something really horrible to you? Can you determine why it is that you’re worried about that particular scenario? If it’s related to a past experience, do you really deep down in your heart think that your partner is capable of doing the same? If it’s because it’s your first relationship, are you worried about screwing everything up?
It’s good to get to the bottom of the issue at hand before you try and work on it, maybe brainstorm some of your usual thoughts and feelings on a notepad to get some clarity on the situation. Those who suspect their partners of having an affair may confirm their suspicions through a polygraph examination.
Step away from social media
Social media can be the biggest killer of relationships in our modern technological world. It’s full of things that make us feel insecure and not good enough. Do you always worry when your partner has a new friend on Facebook? Or wonder who they talk to on Snapchat? Do you browse through their Twitter feed or look at who they’re following on Instagram? It’s time to take a step back because that shit will drive you completely up-the-fucking-wall! Take some time off from social media and be PRESENT in your relationship.
Do things for your self-esteem
Low self-esteem breeds insecurity and anxiety in relationships. I’m not saying you need to change to feel less insecure, as it’s more about changing your mindset so that you feel secure being who you are – after all, your partner chose you for a reason. There’s always little things you can do to help your self-esteem in the mean time though; Exercise is a great boost, as well as doing something nice for yourself. If you need tips on how to improve your sexual performance, visit ehocams.
Keep your independence
It’s important in any relationship not to rely on your partner to be the only thing that makes you happy, it’s also equally important that you don’t lose your identity in the relationship. Make sure you always do things for yourself, see your friends, do things alone, be an individual as well as a partner and let them do the same.
Fully deal with your past pain
If your insecurities come from things that have been done to you or have happened to you in the past, you need to face that pain and work through it. You and I both know that it’s unfair to treat a current partner with distrust, based on how another person has treated you previously. Your current partner is not the same person and deserves to be treated as such. To separate them with the experiences you’ve had before, you need to deal with your old experiences and by carrying the experiences you’ve had with other people into your new relationships, you give the people who hurt you wayyy too much power.
Talk to your partner
It’s imperative to talk about these feelings with your partner if you’re ever to truly heal your relationship anxiety. Don’t expect to set unhealthy limitations for them to make you feel better, just open up about how you feel and be honest. You have to recognise this as something that is your responsibility, your partner can’t walk on eggshells to help you trust them – this is unreasonable to ask of anyone but it will also enable your anxiety even more. Your partner can help you though, by being open with each other, you build on your trust.
Make relationship anxiety part of your therapy
If you’re going to or planning to go to therapy for your anxiety, make this part of your recovery. The best way a therapist can help you, is for you to open up about everything that makes you anxious and if your relationship is making you anxious, then you should absolutely tell your therapist this.
Treat your anxiety overall
Relationship anxiety can reduce if you treat the core of your anxiety. If you’re generally an anxious person or have an anxiety disorder, treating this will give you more confidence in all aspects of your life, including your relationship.
How does anxiety affect your relationships and how do you deal with it? Feel free to share in the comments.
I LOVE this post! I suffer from separation anxiety from my boyfriend, as well as Relationship OCD, which is the worst possible combination when it comes to being in a relationship. These tips are a reminder of what I need to actively practice to reach recovery. Thank you for making me feel less alone!
Every word of this is true. My anxiety has rocked a relationship to its core (I think) and it’s to the point where I really don’t know if the guy wants to go forward with things anymore. I especially find myself “Always looking for evidence that something is going on behind your back.” I spoke with a relationship coach awhile after things got really bad and we talked through a lot. My struggle is to let go of the incessant fear that what happened in the past will continue happening to me. That’s pretty much the root of my anxiety, with relationships and social anxiety in general.
Awww that’s exactly why I wanted to write this post – cause that was me, all the time! I’d worry so much about something happening that I couldn’t ever let it go. I always assumed the same horrible stuff that happened to me in past relationships was going to happen and it became a barrier between me and my happiness.
I am in tears! I have been struggling for FOUR YEARS with this…and I just got to marry this wonderful man…and I STILL fear that he will leave me. Horrible…thank you for this. I could just love you and hug you forever. I suddenly feel so much less alone… <3
Thank you for this post! Oh, so much. Like others have commented, I feel so less alone! And also less of a crazy person lol. But that’s the lie anxiety tells us – that we’re all alone in this, that these things don’t happen to anybody else, that there’s something wrong with us etc. – it can be so isolating! But there’s also so much hope. Thank you so much for sharing your story & advice with us xx
Just this morning I had to block my significant other on social media. I was obsessed with who was following him and when he was active. We both understand that this is for my health. He was blocked before and our relationship was great, but when the blockage ended I’d get paranoid about who he was talking to and if he still was interested in our relationship, even when all signs pointed to him being faithful. Thank you for this post, it reminds me that I need to unplug sometimes, breath, and take time for myself.
You have to do what’s right for you and it sounds like you’re very aware of yourself and what makes your relationship work, which is awesome. I hope you’re able to overcome those feelings over time x