I’ve probably told you all a zillion times by now that I don’t really “suffer” from social anxiety anymore, at least in the way that I used to. I’d told you that I had it under control and I’d been able to do things I’d never dreamed of doing blah blah blah blahhh.
But the truth is, I don’t have it under control anymore.
Things happened and I became ill. So ill that it affected how much I can work, how much I can do around the house, how often I can go out and socialise and for how long. I find myself putting on a brave face when I’m in public when all I really want to do is cry and curl up in a ball with my pyjamas on, because the pain is too much.
Then there’s the anxiety. That crippling, vomit inducing, making-me-not-want-to-eat anxiety! The kind that makes me shake all day and overthink everything. The kind that makes me hyperventilate and think of myself as completely incapable of anything. The kind that makes me feel like a total failure and a let down to all my friends, family, colleagues.
Leaving the house to go and get shopping or send post has started taking me way longer than it used to, I’ve started putting off tasks again. I dread going to work or seeing people I know when I’m out picking up food. Even seeing people I know well is making me anxious because I feel less fun to be around now that I’m so exhausted all the time.
I keep having anxiety attacks out of the blue and I think all the weight of my healthcare and not knowing what is going to happen or what to do about it is pulling me down.
Luckily I have a good support system and while I hope this is all just temporary, I have to plan for it being long term. So, despite how many anxiety attacks I have or how long it takes me to leave the house, I’ll do it anyway. I’ll at least try. Before this shitty illness makes me extremely depressed too.
Does anyone else find that illness affects their social anxiety and do you have any strategies in place for when that happens? Let me know in the comments